Category: self-awareness

Move over Homo Sapiens, There’s a More Evolved Sheriff in Town

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During a phone conversation last week, my business partner Lisa and I joked that we may be headed for the next evolutionary stage beyond homo sapiens. We noted that even the most adept humans seem ill-equipped to deal with today’s chaotic world. Oh, and it seems unlikely that things will become calmer and more predictable in the future. The conversation lingered with me.

We call our company Unstuck Minds. We believe that people who operate with an unstuck mind bring more creativity and compassion to the world. Creative thinking generates novel ideas and fresh insights. Compassion builds and sustains connections that help people feel seen, heard, and valued.

Homo sapiens literally, the wise human, succeeds as a species in part because we have large complex brains, language, and highly developed social skills. Now we’re starting to experience the downsides of what were once advanced adaptations. Those big brains are susceptible to mental health issues and cognitive bias. Our language skills allow us to spread harmful belief systems. Individuals and groups have begun to use our social intelligence to exploit and marginalize others.

Are the current challenges and complexities faced by humanity acting as evolutionary pressures that could drive natural selection towards the emergence of a new human subspecies better adapted to cope with an increasingly uncertain and complex world?

People are exhausted and overwhelmed. Are the current challenges and complexities faced by humanity acting as evolutionary pressures that could drive natural selection towards the emergence of a new human subspecies better adapted to cope with an increasingly uncertain and complex world? Might humans with unstuck minds be better suited to thrive in the future?

Welcome Homo Mens Soluta

Homo mens soluta, literally human with a freed or unstuck mind, might be where we’re headed as a species. The list below describes a thought experiment about the adaptations required to thrive in a future of increasing complexity and uncertainty.

We will Build Generous Connections with Others

In a complex world, collective intelligence and collaboration will be more advantageous than individual efforts. Homo mens soluta will move beyond the impulse to view relationships between individuals and groups as transactional. In the future, we will provide support and resources freely and without an expectation of receiving something in return.

We will Hold our Conclusions Lightly

Rather than fixating on definitive answers, homo mens soluta will thrive in ambiguous situations. We will feel comfortable with incomplete information and be adept at making decisions based on probabilities and calculated risks. We will form working hypotheses rather than certainties and easily let go of conclusions in the face of new evidence.

We will Notice our Mental Quicksand

A heightened awareness and understanding of our thought processes, biases, and decision-making heuristics will enable homo mens soluta to self-regulate and self-correct. This metacognitive ability will lead to more effective learning, problem-solving, and adaptation.

We will Form Generative Questions

Given easy access to vast amounts of information, the capacity to discern meaningful patterns, correlations, and insights from seemingly unrelated data streams will be advantageous. Homo mens soluta will ask generative questions to take advantage of the available information. The skill of asking better questions will be more adaptive to a future in which answers are abundant, but not equally useful.

We will Develop Attention Agility

The ability to rapidly adapt thought processes to accommodate changing circumstances and new information will become critical. Homo mens soluta will possess heightened neuroplasticity, allowing our neural pathways to reorganize and form new connections more efficiently.

If you want to make sure your genes get passed on to your descendants, or if you’re simply interested in building the mental stamina to deal with our chaotic world, consider developing an unstuck mind.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Overcoming Roadblocks with Attention Agility

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My wife and I have been binging past seasons of “The Amazing Race.” We’ve been making mental notes of the exotic race locations for imagined future vacations. We also enjoy passing judgment on the way the two-person teams bark commands at each other while driving to their next clue. From our comfortable seats in the living room, we think, “Why not just relax and take in the breathtaking scenery?” Thankfully, we’ve never had microphones and cameras pointed at us while we discuss where to park at the mall.

I’m always impressed when a leg of the race requires teams to navigate in unfamiliar territory. They must drive under pressure, decipher road signs in languages they don’t understand, and arrive on time to avoid high-stakes consequences. Sometimes, they struggle with a manual transmission car. They’re forbidden from using modern GPS technology, creating stressful, complex, and uncertain conditions.

Lately, I’ve become interested in how our attention works and what it means for our ability to deal with an increasingly complex and uncertain world. When driving under familiar and predictable conditions, like a trip to the mall, we have attentional resources to spare. We can listen to music, sip coffee, and have a mature, collaborative conversation about where to park.

However, driving under hazardous conditions through unfamiliar territory requires us to use our attention differently. We become alert to our environment. Subtle features of the landscape take on greater significance. We may need information from people we don’t typically interact with. It sounds like I’m describing what it feels like to lead in today’s business environment.

We know what it’s like to switch the way we use our attention when driving. Changing conditions have an immediate impact. We’ve learned that misapplying our attention represents a clear and present danger. When organizational leaders get in the driver’s seat, the risks of misapplying their attention are less obvious, but no less perilous. We can’t navigate our organizations and teams through uncertain conditions with our status quo driving habits.

Attention Agility

Attention agility is the capacity to shift one’s focus and perspective quickly and easily in response to the dynamic demands of complex and uncertain conditions.

Developing the skill of attention agility allows you to deliberately and strategically allocate attentional resources to various aspects of a problem or scenario. You can recognize and prioritize key insights, adapt your thinking strategies on the fly, and generate holistic, multifaceted solutions. People skilled at attention agility notice evolving circumstances and consider a broad range of perspectives and possibilities.

Attention agility is the capacity to shift one’s focus and perspective quickly and easily in response to the dynamic demands of complex and uncertain conditions.

Attention agility is akin to mindfulness. It’s simultaneously sophisticated and simple. Like mindfulness, attention agility is less about doing something new and more about heightened awareness and managing distraction. A driver applies attention agility when switching from autopilot to vigilance as the road conditions change. A leader applies attention agility when challenging assumptions, watching trends, and taking in diverse stakeholder perspectives.

SCAN

In 1938, Orson Welles and his troupe of radio actors broadcast a story about a Martian invasion of Earth. The broadcast, known as ‘The War of the Worlds,’ was written and acted to sound like an emergency interruption of regular programming. Historical accounts of the broadcast differ on how many people recognized it as a hoax and how many panicked. My father heard the broadcast and told me that he simply checked to see if other stations were reporting news of an alien invasion. When he discovered that it was only being reported by the Columbia Broadcasting System, he sat back and enjoyed the program.

You can think of attention agility as the simple act of switching radio stations. Just as we have our favorite stations (or streaming channels), we also have our preferred types of information. When facing uncertain or complex situations, we tune in to the channels that provide information we trust, information that helps us feel in control. If we only attend to one kind of information, we miss the whole story. We don’t uncover new insights. We overlook risks and opportunities. We can get stuck.

We developed a framework called SCAN (Structures, Context, Assumptions, Needs) to help people pay attention to a broad spectrum of information so they notice the important, hidden influences that may be keeping them stuck. The SCAN framework facilitates the process of switching attention, especially when things get stressful, complex, and uncertain. Check out this explainer video to learn about SCAN. If you’re unaware that other channels of information exist, you won’t turn the dial. If you want to develop your attention agility, diversify your information sources. Learn to change the channel.

The teams that win “The Amazing Race” are not necessarily the most physically fit or the most worldly. Winning teams are able to shift their focus and perspectives more quickly and easily than team that get stuck and fall behind. When you watch the teams get stuck, you can tell that they’re only thinking about their challenge one way. When they switch the way they pay attention, they get unstuck.

Amazing Race teams don’t have the luxury of viewing themselves the way my wife and I watch them. But what if they did? What if a team feeling stuck could shift their perspective, even for a moment, from participant to spectator? What would they notice? What if a leadership team feeling stuck could shift their perspective? The next time my wife and I argue about finding a parking space, I’ll imagine we’re on camera. I think it might alter, at least for the moment, my preoccupation with being right.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Want to Stick to your Resolutions? Work on the Hidden Influences Keeping you Stuck.

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Resolution, the noun form of the verb resolve, derives from the Latin resolvere, meaning “to loosen.” The original sense of “resolve” is not about bringing something new to a situation you want to change. Essentially, a resolution is the untying of a problematic knot. Resolving to do something literally means to get unstuck.

As the new year approaches, we set intentions, goals, and resolutions to make things better. Usually, we frame our resolutions as behavior changes. We promise to start doing something, or stop doing something, or finally accomplish that thing we’ve been meaning to do. The statistics on our ability to make good on our resolutions are not encouraging. Only 8% of respondents to an October 2023 Forbe’s survey stuck to their New Year’s resolutions for more than one month.

Maybe it would be better to remind ourselves of the true meaning of a resolution. Rather than focus on the behaviors we want to change, we could focus on loosening the knots that make changing our behaviors difficult. If we resolve to get unstuck, maybe our desired behavior changes won’t feel like such a struggle.

Rather than focus on the behaviors we want to change, we could focus on loosening the knots that make changing our behaviors difficult.

If you’ve waited until the start of a new year to adopt a change, it probably means that you anticipate the change will require commitment and effort. Otherwise, you would have simply adopted the change when it first struck you as a good idea. Waiting until January to improve things is a telltale sign that a knot needs some loosening.

You can’t loosen a knot you don’t notice. That’s where SCAN comes in. If you’re unfamiliar with the SCAN framework, check out this post. SCAN does for your mind what a physical therapist does for your body. SCAN not only provides insights into what’s got you tangled up, SCAN teaches you strategies for increasing the flexibility of your thinking.

From January to SCANuary

Let’s work through an example. I’ll take a traditional New Year’s resolution and apply the SCAN framework to identify insights and options I might be missing. Suppose I resolve to get fit, lose weight, and eat a healthier diet in 2024.

Structures: Which of my habits and routines are inconsistent with a healthy lifestyle?

Maybe I’m in the habit of eating lunch without taking a break from work. I end up choosing convenient food that I can eat quickly while keeping my attention on my computer screen. I don’t feel full and end up snacking throughout the afternoon to keep me alert. Most of what I eat during the day consists of carbohydrates. If I don’t loosen the knot of my workday routines, I won’t develop healthier eating habits.

Context: Which environmental factors outside my control create opportunities for a healthy lifestyle, which factors put a healthy lifestyle at risk?

I could be on the lookout for new apps or devices that make it easy and fun for me to track fitness data. I could learn about new studies linking some of my current behaviors to a lack of stamina or energy. Maybe I should get the results of a physical before establishing a new fitness routine. A fear of the unknown may be a knot I need to loosen so that I can learn about what’s new and what’s changing.

Assumptions: How might my beliefs, mindsets, and worldviews be responsible for the way I’m framing my resolution?

What am I comparing myself to when I imagine that my current situation needs to change? Maybe I’ve formed an image of fitness that is unrealistic or inconsistent with what I value most. If I don’t loosen the knot of my biases, I may be striving to achieve the wrong goal.

Needs: How might the concerns and perspectives of people who matter relate to my fitness goals?

Of course, getting clear on my own fears and motivations may loosen an important knot. Who else should I include in my thinking about living a healthier lifestyle? Maybe I share meals with people who won’t enjoy dining with me if I change my diet. Maybe I’m trying to impress someone without really understanding how they view me now. Maybe I need to seek out a health coach to help me get started?

I get it. Asking yourself hard questions feels more daunting than simply setting goals and taking action. So, how about this? If it’s nearing the end of January, and you find yourself among the anticipated 92% of people who are about to call it quits on your New Year’s resolution, consider SCANning for a few knots to loosen.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Outrage is Making us Dumber

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A steady diet of outrage and despair doesn’t just darken our mood; it diminishes our capacity to think.

I’ve been absorbing reports of the barbarism we’re witnessing in the Middle East. If you believe that people can only be oppressors or victims, you’re not just mistaken; you’ve been hoodwinked. Believing that conflicts are defined solely by the positions people take means you’re unwittingly participating in the wrong game.

Like a toddler’s tantrum, entertaining and sharing angry thoughts can temporarily dampen our fury. However, that doesn’t make these thoughts legitimate. Our brains prefer, and perhaps even need, ways to simplify reality. For our primitive ancestors, the brain’s job was akin to taking a daily multiple-choice exam about the world:

Which of the following is true about what I’m noticing?

A) It’s food; I should eat it.

B) It thinks I’m food; I should run.

C) It smells nice; I should have sex with it.

D) None of the above; I’ll take a nap.

Today, our world requires us to get comfortable with thinking about things that are not simple. Our situations are more akin to answering essay questions. Faced with a complex, ambiguous prompt, we’re required to create a well-reasoned response.

If your mind is getting flabby, here are a few simple exercises to build stamina for complexity and uncertainty:

  • Learn about Zen kōans and meditate on one.
  • Enter conversations about problems with the intention to discover rather than influence.
  • Change a simple habit to become more mindful of all the things we do without thinking (e.g., switch the order in which you put on your shoes).
  • Explain your opinion to an 8-year-old. Putting something you believe into simple language requires clarity of thought and openness to unbiased questions.
  • Check out a couple of Unstuck Minds’ Blog Posts about building a fitness regimen for your mind: The Unstuck Mind and How are you Thinking Today.

When it comes to the calamities buffeting our attention, I’m not worried about which side is right. I’m worried about our impoverished ability to think things through. If we insist on oversimplifying the world, we’ll eventually view everyone as either a winner or a loser, an ‘us’ or a ‘them.’

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Feeling Stuck? Try Brainstorming Terrible Ideas

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We recently led a series of breakout sessions at an annual conference. The conference was put on by a fast-growing bakery franchise. In attendance were bakery owners and corporate support staff. During the breakout sessions we taught the bakery owners how to use the SCAN Framework (Structures, Context, Assumptions, and Needs) to tackle challenging problems.

Most people using SCAN have an intuitive grasp of the structures, the context, and the needs influencing their situation. Assumptions are harder to access. Shared beliefs and mindsets form our operating systems, but like a computer’s operating system, most of us don’t know what it’s doing or how it works until something goes wrong or it’s time for a big change.

The company’s bakeries are known for their unique, high-quality, hand-crafted cakes. They think about the purpose of their business as bringing joy. They promote their cakes as the centerpiece of celebrations. They have a cult-like following of people who rave about experiencing their first bite of cake.

To help the bakery owners become more aware of their assumptions, I asked them to react to a terrible idea. I suggested that they box up their most popular recipes in cake-mix form and put them on grocery store shelves next to the Betty Crocker cake mixes. Lucky for me, I prepared them to be offended by the idea. When I asked them to explain what makes the idea terrible, we started to hear more about their assumptions:

  • People count on us for a consistent, fresh-baked product.
  • Our guests love the variety of choices we offer.
  • Only high-quality ingredients prepared by hand and using our methods will produce the cake. You can’t do it at home.
  • Visiting our bakeries is a joyful experience and essential to our brand.

The purpose of the exercise is not to abandon assumptions. The purpose is to become more aware of our assumptions. When you’re aware of your assumptions, you can have more productive discussions about controversial ideas. Controversial ideas are provocative precisely because they challenge our assumptions. Adopting a provocative idea often means letting go of something predictable and comforting.

Anticipate Change-Resistance

In our experience, organizations don’t suffer from a lack good ideas. In organizational settings, good ideas face two common obstacles. First, the best ideas may never get in front of the people with the authority to enact them. Secondly, new ideas rarely survive their first encounter with the status quo. Assumptions and mindsets protect the status quo.

Becoming aware of shared organizational assumptions will help you anticipate the change-management implications of adopting a provocative idea. For example, to support the growth of the bakery company, there will inevitably be pressure to streamline operations. At some point, an idea to increase efficiency will bump up against the assumption: Only high-quality ingredients prepared by hand and using our methods will produce the cake.

How to use a Terrible Idea to Uncover Hidden Assumptions

Let’s say you feel stuck. The ideas you have look great on paper and you’ve been given the green light to implement them. And yet, you repeatedly experience setbacks as you try to turn your ideas into meaningful change.

  1. Set aside the good ideas and bring together a team.
  2. invite them to brainstorm terrible ideas. Ideas that are guaranteed to produce a visceral, negative reaction from your stakeholders. By the way, your team will find it liberating and fun to produce a list of dangerous ideas.
  3. Rank the ideas to find the best of the worst. When prioritizing the list of ideas, the most useful, terrible ideas will be the ones that are plausible, but feel unsettling. For example, imagine recommending to the senior team of Disney’s Theme Parks that they open a Disney casino in Las Vegas. Useful terrible ideas will take the organization in a new direction, not just offer a bad change to an existing way of doing business. For example, suggesting that McDonald’s become a wireless network operator is a more useful terrible idea than suggesting that McDonald’s serve their food on fine China.
  4. Finally, facilitate a discussion about why the most terrible ideas evoke an emotional reaction.

Once you clarify the hidden assumptions that seem to create a gravitational field that holds things in place, you’ll have a better understanding of why your new ideas won’t take. You may also uncover some ancient assumptions that are somehow still in play, but no longer feel relevant.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Don’t Be Efficient

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Last July I was hiking with my family in Southern California. At one point, the trail took us along the edge of a creek bed. Normally, the creek would be flowing but due to drought conditions, the creek had dwindled to a muddy trickle. As we continued down the trail, we came upon the trunk of an uprooted tree that had fallen across the creek bed to form a bridge. We didn’t need to cross the creek to stay on the trail. Despite protests from my wife Katherine, I couldn’t resist the urge to test my balance.

Katherine and I tell different versions of what happened next. What’s indisputable is that I tumbled off the tree trunk, down the side of the creek bed, and into the mud. I landed on something hard because when I jumped to my feet to reassure my family, I felt a sharp pain in my left shoulder. What’s also indisputable is that I will no longer take risky detours when hiking… with my wife.

Three weeks later, a shoulder specialist showed me an x-ray. I had fractured my greater tuberosity. I love the name of that bone. I think it sounds badass when I tell people I broke my greater tuberosity.

Before

After

It’s been eight months since the fall. The fracture has healed, but my arm stubbornly resists certain movements. For example, I wouldn’t be able to do the chicken dance at the next Oktoberfest. Even though I have no intention of attending an Oktoberfest, I decided to consult my doctor about getting physical therapy.

Wait…Isn’t Efficiency a good thing?

My family doctor recommended a therapist who goes by the name AJ. When he told me that AJ makes house calls, I was sold. AJ, originally from Northern India, is passionate about proper body mechanics. He’s a wealth of information and eager to share it. AJ has an uncanny ability to discern structural anomalies simply by watching you stand or walk. When I took off my mask during a recent visit, AJ looked at my face from across the room and informed me that roof of my mouth was not symmetrical.

When AJ observes me trying an exercise that he’s just taught me, he often tells me to slow down. At one point, while watching me use an exercise band he said, “don’t be efficient.” Ever since that day, I’ve been reflecting on being advised against being efficient.

Would you pay more for an efficient massage?

Throughout my adult working life, I’ve been praised for my efficiency. I’m good at getting sh*t done. I’ve always been rewarded for being efficient. By the way, the reward for efficiently getting work done is getting more work.

The therapeutic benefits of physical therapy depend on slowly reorienting the parts of your body that have been damaged or weakened from disuse. It’s not like hammering a bent piece of metal straight again. Speed, when doing certain physical therapy exercises is counterproductive. Finishing the exercise might feel desirable, but it’s not the goal.

If like me, you’ve made efficiency a calling card, you may find it difficult to break the habit. You know you’re a productivity junkie if you rush through things that are meant to be taken slowly. I love to read. Yet I sometimes find myself speeding through pages of gorgeously written prose so I can get to the next book I’m eager to start. Do I really believe that by adopting this strategy I’ll get to all the books I want to read?

When reading a book or a poem, when visiting an art museum, don’t be efficient.

The Productivity Trap

Oliver Burkeman diagnoses our neurotic relationship to getting things done in his revelatory 2021 book, Four Thousand Weeks; Time Management for Mortals. The title refers to the shockingly few weeks available to us based on our average lifespan. From the title, you might assume that Burkeman is offering a strategy for time management. He’s not. When it comes to managing our time, Burkeman’s advice is simple, don’t bother.

Burkeman believes “Our troubled relationship with time arises largely from [an] effort to avoid the painful constraints of reality. And most of our strategies for becoming more productive make things worse, because they’re really just ways of furthering the avoidance.”

Burkeman’s perspective may sound depressing and fatalistic. I find it liberating. Once you accept that your life’s work is not to get everything done, you can reframe your attitude toward your inbox and your planner. Changing your attitude is a start, but if you’re a hardcore task-list checker, you’ll also need to break some habits. For me, AJ’s coaching rings in my ear like a three-word mantra: Don’t be efficient.

When going for a walk, don’t be efficient

When sitting down to enjoy a meal with friends or family, don’t be efficient

When interrupted by someone who wants your attention, don’t be efficient

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

How to Apologize

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Last week I had a conversation with my friend and colleague, Ford Hatamiya about a leadership development program he’s designing. We talked about practical ways to help organizational leaders behave more empathetically. One idea that didn’t make the cut was to teach leaders how to apologize.

There’s a scene about people’s pent-up need to hear an apology in one of my all-time favorite movies. A Thousand Clowns (1965) stars Jason Robards playing Murray, an iconoclastic comedy writer living in Manhattan. Murray risks losing custody of his nephew if continues to live his unconventional lifestyle. When Murray falls in love with Sandy (Barbara Harris), one of the social workers assigned to his case, he promises her that he’ll get his act together and find a steady job. He interviews for several jobs but can’t bring himself to accept any of them.

Knowing that he will have to explain why he turned down the offers to Sandy, he thinks about how he’ll break the news. When Sandy arrives at Murray’s apartment to cook dinner for him and his nephew, Murray offers Sandy an apology. The apology (1:26) is heartwarming, funny, and creative, but it ultimately misses the mark. In the end, Murray says the words, but doesn’t feel the feelings.

Apologies are not about what happened

Apologies are not about what you did. That’s what explanations are for. Apologies exist to repair damage and reduce harm. Admitting that you made a mistake is helpful. Demonstrating that you understand and feel remorse about the impact of that mistake is transformational.

An apology has the power to shift a relationship. A great apology creates space for generosity and compassion. Apologies bring attention to our vulnerabilities. We are altered by the offer of a heartfelt apology. The expression of the apology invites those we’ve harmed to connect with us more deeply.

Some apologies are designed to quickly reestablish a temporary imbalance. If I step on someone’s toes, the body language and tone of voice accompanying, “I’m sorry,” restores the status quo. The quick, rebalancing apology is the stuff of social norms. Like the how-are-you-I-am-fine exchange, saying “sorry” can feel more like a reflex than a concerted effort to reduce harm.

What the world needs now is More Harm Reduction

A proper apology requires virtuosic empathy. I must sit with my own feelings long enough to distill out extraneous emotions that will undermine the apology. I might feel angry that someone triggered my regrettable behavior. I might feel embarrassed by how I acted. I might feel afraid to acknowledge that I have needs I’m not proud of. All these emotions are useful to reflect on and none of them are about the impact your behavior had on others.

When we refuse to acknowledge our impact on others, shared societal challenges metastasize into uncontainable crises.

Apologies don’t require you to change your core values or deeply held beliefs. You only need to accept that we should avoid causing unnecessary harm. When we refuse to acknowledge our impact on others, shared societal challenges metastasize into uncontainable crises. Consider David Brook’s ominously titled opinion piece for the New York Times, America is Falling Apart at the Seams (July 13, 2022). In the article, Brooks catalogues the evidence for the headline’s pessimistic claim.

An Example

Let’s say I was raised to believe, like many who grew up in the Southern United States, that it’s a sign of respect to refer to people as “sir” or “ma’am.” One day I say, “Thank you, ma’am” to a stranger who holds the elevator door for me. Instead of a smile, I’m met with an icy stare. Maybe the person who held the door takes advantage of our private time in the elevator to tell me, “I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but when you refer to me as ma’am, I feel uncomfortable because I don’t identify as female.”

In the heat of the moment, a dizzying array of feelings might overwhelm me. At best, I might be able to mumble “I apologize,” as I stare at the floor indicator light, silently willing the elevator to speed up. But what happens when I encounter the same person in the elevator the following day?

Should I explain my views on gender identity? Should I minimize the incident by saying that it was just an unconscious reflex, and I didn’t mean anything by it? Should I offer helpful feedback about trying to be less sensitive? No, no, and Hell no.

When I shift my focus from my perspective to the perspective of the person who felt uncomfortable, I create the possibility for learning. I stop seeing the person as wrong and I start seeing the person as different. Again, I’m welcome to hold on to my beliefs about gender and etiquette. But to craft a real apology means legitimizing (not agreeing with) other worldviews. I’m not apologizing to keep the peace with someone I disagree with. I’m apologizing to repair harm. The person held the elevator door for me. I can reciprocate with an apology that opens the door to a new way of relating.

Here’s one version of what I might say the next time we meet:

I thought about what you said when I called you, “ma’am.” I tried to imagine what it would be like to have people invalidate me by relating to me as something I’m not. I’m sorry I did that the other day. It must have been especially maddening since you had just done me a favor. For what it’s worth, you’ve given me a lot to think about.

Too much? Maybe. Also, maybe not enough. All you need to do is find words that make things better for anyone hurt by what happened.

I started this post suggesting that crafting apologies might work as an exercise for leadership development. Even if you don’t say you’re sorry, there are benefits to simply preparing the apology. When you force yourself to articulate someone else’s perspective, you enlarge the boundaries of your tolerance.

Here’s a quick, practical, 4-step guide to apologizing from U.C. Berkeley’s Greater Good in Action Website.

Now, let’s all get out there and start apologizing!

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

This Instead of That; Sticking to Something New Requires Getting Unstuck

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It’s goal-setting season. When calendars reset, we consider what we want to improve and then formalize our intention by creating goals or resolutions. We also know from experience that we often fall short of achieving our goals or making good on our resolutions.

What we fail to appreciate when setting a goal is that the goal can’t be achieved without something changing. We focus on the resources or behaviors we’ll need to achieve the goal. We ignore the impact that working on the goal will have on what’s already in place.

In the Unstuck Mind’s SCAN framework, the S stands for Structures

Structures are the hidden habits, routines, and systems that order our lives and choices. Structures provide predictability and comfort. Structures also stabilize things. Structures fade into the background once they become part of our lives. Structures are the invisible, uncontested way things work. Because we don’t pay attention to them, we neglect to factor structures into our plans for achieving our goals.

Altering our routines is not like adding a newly purchased article of clothing to your closet. Altering our routines is more like accommodating a new roommate.

Altering our routines is not like adding a newly purchased article of clothing to your closet. Altering our routines is more like accommodating a new roommate.

A simple idea that will improve the odds of achieving a goal or sticking with a resolution.

After identifying the goal, think through the times and places when progress on your goal will bump up against an existing structure. Once you’ve identified a habit, routine, or system that will interact with the change you want to make, fill in the blanks on the following statement:

Instead of (this)______________, (that)________________.

The first blank represents the existing structural element. The second blank represents a specific and easy-to-incorporate alternative that will move you toward your goal. The thinking framework forces us to consider both what we want and what will have to change on the road to getting what we want.

Some Examples

Goal: Lose 15 pounds by summertime

Instead of This, That

Instead of grabbing an unhealthy snack, I’ll pause to ask myself whether I’m hungry or just bored.

Instead of buying a six pack of sodas when I go to the grocery story, I’ll buy a two-liter bottle of soda so I can better control portions.

Goal: Increase input from my team during meetings

Instead of This, That

Instead of starting a discussion by stating my opinion, I’ll ask others what they think and thank them for sharing their perspectives.

Instead of asking for comments, I’ll pose a more specific question like, “if we adopt this proposal, what will it mean for each of your teams?”

Depending on the goal and your timeline, you might want to imagine a single, high-impact replacement behavior or several. Even just considering the structural elements you will need to drop or alter, will improve your chances of getting unstuck so you can achieve your goals and stick to your resolutions.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

The Most Important Leadership Skill No One Has Heard of…Yet

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You can’t survey people on the importance of a leadership skill they’ve never heard of. It would be like asking marketing executives in the 1990s to rate the importance of search engine optimization.

Today, empathy is topping the surveys of in-demand leadership skills. It’s not surprising that in chaotic times people want leaders who care. I for one, hope that the popularity of empathy as a leadership skill gives rise to kinder, more inclusive organizations. I don’t expect empathy to go out of fashion. Still, those of us who help leaders and organizations prepare for the future need to think about skills that might not be on anyone’s radar screen.

I want to nominate a skill that I believe will become indispensable for tomorrow’s leaders. Like empathy, It’s the type of skill that starts with self-awareness. Developing this skill will require us to learn how to notice and interrupt counterproductive habits of perception.

Allow me to introduce, attention agility.

What is attention agility?

Attention agility is the skill of quickly and easily regulating how you take in information. Like mindfulness, attention agility brings awareness to what most often goes unnoticed. Also like mindfulness, attention agility demands that we become aware of how we pay attention, and that we learn to sense when we may be focused on the wrong things.

With the advent of the internet, the ubiquity of smartphones, and the rise of social media, the topic of attention has gotten, well, a lot of attention. A Google Scholar search of articles and books written in the early days of the internet (1990 – 1993) using the search term “attention” came back with 432,000 results. Conducting a search across the same number of years, 2004 – 2007 (roughly, from the introduction of Facebook to the introduction of the first iPhone) generated 4.5 million results!

Attention Matters

Distracted driving is a serious hazard which caused over 3,000 deaths in the U.S. during 2019. We have been experiencing a global spike in attention-deficit disorder diagnoses. Psychologists and neuroscientists have demonstrated the stunning phenomenon known as inattentional blindness, in which we fail to notice fully visible objects because our attention was engaged elsewhere.

The deluge of information feels inescapable. Many have described our current times as the post-truth era. Somehow objective facts have become less influential than appeals to our emotions and beliefs. It’s not that we value objective reality less, it’s that our personal search engines, our attention apparatus, is optimized for threats and outrage.

When we develop our attention agility, we’ll know when we’re breathing in the stale air of our echo chambers. We’ll sense when it’s time to open a window and let in fresh ideas.  

When we develop our attention agility, we’ll be more discerning consumers of information and influence. When we develop our attention agility, we’ll know when we’re breathing in the stale air of our echo chambers. We’ll sense when it’s time to open a window and let in fresh ideas.  

Modes of attention

In 1890, American psychologist, William James devoted a chapter of his classic, The Principles of Psychology to the topic of attention. James made a distinction between passive attention and voluntary attention.

Passive attention is aimless, it floats like a butterfly. Voluntary attention targets and locks on, it stings like a bee. William James as interpreted by Muhammed Ali.

Imagine a walk in a beautiful, natural landscape. You suddenly become aware of the smell of an unusual flower alongside the trail (passive). You pull out your phone to look up the name of the flower (voluntary). You put the phone away and allow the environment to present itself to you (passive). This back-and-forth between focusing and unfocusing is what it feels like to regulate your attention. When you learn to switch modes easily and intentionally in a variety of situations, you’ve developed attention agility.

Why is attention agility important?

First, we have never had more information competing for our attention. Secondly, our brains have evolved to narrow our attention in times of stress and anxiety. As our information-rich world imposes itself on our overtaxed brains, we lose the ability to assess the validity of what we notice. Furthermore, it’s hard to appreciate the opportunity cost of what we don’t notice.

What William James called voluntary attention has always been prized by our teachers and our managers. We reward the ability to concentrate. We consider distraction a deficiency. We admire decision makers who create mental boundaries so they can include the relevant variables without the burden of extraneous thoughts or emotions. It makes perfect sense to value the ability to stay on task, but only if we’re working on the right task.

When we know what we want to accomplish, voluntary attention helps us focus. When we feel stuck, when our situation is changing quickly, and the future feels completely unpredictable, voluntary attention could point our focus in the wrong direction.

Consider the challenge many organizational leaders are facing today as they try to figure out how and where people will work when the pandemic no longer dictates the rules for convening. What should leaders pay attention to: Real estate costs? Worker productivity? Technology? Morale? Probably, all the above and more. Solving for the future of workspaces calls for a blend of voluntary attention and passive attention. Aimless, butterfly-like attention may surface hidden insights and creative options that suggest a way forward. Once you see a way forward, engaging your voluntary attention will help you implement a plan of action.

The Ascendance of Passive Attention

You know who is great at staying on task? Machines.

We don’t want to reduce the amount of information available to us. We’re already developing artificial intelligence (AI) to help us sort and package information so we can digest it. Machine learning makes AI more intelligent as it processes information and gets feedback about the utility of its outputs. So far, machine learning is a goal-seeking activity. Computer programs apply voluntary attention to data.

Would an artificially intelligent android pause while hiking to smell a flower? We pause because we have a passive attention mode that is not goal oriented. Passive attention gives us pause. The pause may give us something beneficial that we weren’t looking for.

Maybe there will come a day when a machine notices something it wasn’t looking for. For now, serendipity belongs exclusively to humans. We have plenty of strategies, tools, dietary supplements, and smartphone apps to build up our voluntary attention capacity. What we lack is a way to productively distract ourselves when the glare of our voluntary-attention high-beams blinds us to interesting information and insightful ideas alongside the trail.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

You’re not required to have an opinion on everything

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A new study shows that people who identify as democratic socialists report higher levels of satisfaction with their lives than those who identify as free-market capitalists.

If you have an itchy twitter finger (and depending on your politics) you might feel an urge to post one of the following:

The results are in… socialism is the key to a happier life

No surprises from recent study… capitalists expect more out of life than socialists

If you’re actually tempted to spread the news, I should confess that I made up the study and its conclusion.

Importantly, the fact that the statement is a fabrication probably did not prevent you from having an opinion about it.

Opinions help brains avoid uncertainty

Our brains have a variety of strategies to help us avoid feeling uncertain. We don’t like uncertainty because our brains aren’t designed to thrive in uncertain times. One of the brain’s main jobs is to make sense of what’s happening so that we can anticipate the future. One of the main ways we make sense of what’s happening is by connecting new information to what we take as already settled.

When the brain is uncertain about how to label or categorize a new piece of information, we become anxious. Imagine if butterflies escaped from the place you expected to see fruit when you peeled your morning banana. You might feel scared. You might feel delighted. Either way, your brain would start working hard to reorient itself to a newly uncertain set of conditions.

Opinions are not mindless reactions

If you eat something that disagrees with you, you don’t have much control over how your body reacts. But the brain has more options than the stomach. If you take in a disagreeable idea, you can pause and reflect before responding. Rather than belching up a reaction to an indigestible idea, chew it over in your mind.

The idea is for you to form your opinions. If you mindlessly react to information, you’re allowing your opinions to form you.

Try this

When you notice an internal reaction welling up in you to something you’ve heard or seen, consider replacing your external reaction with one of these statements:

  • I see it differently, what am I missing?
  • We could do that. How would it help us?
  • Help me understand what led you to that conclusion.
  • I can tell you feel strongly about that. What about it is important to you?
  • Before we respond, what’s another way to look at this?
  • What would happen if we adopted a different solution? What if we did nothing?
  • Whose perspective is missing from this discussion? What would they say?

social media platforms are in no hurry to protect us from poisonous information

Sure, it would be great if Facebook’s algorithm optimized for joyful connection over addictive engagement. Maybe market forces and/or regulation will remind Facebook to look after human flourishing. With great power comes great responsibility!

Meanwhile, let’s work on our own programming. Just before the eye-roll, withdrawal, snark, or unsolicited advice, take a moment, embrace uncertainty, and choose curiosity.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.