Cultivate Generous Connections

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At a pivotal moment in Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables, the police capture the book’s protagonist, Jean Valjean and bring him before Bishop Myriel. Valjean had spent 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread. Prison turned Valjean into a hardened and bitter man, resentful of society. Upon his release he had no food, shelter, or anyone to turn to for help.

The bishop had welcomed Valjean, fed him, and provided a comfortable place to stay. Despite his hospitality, Valjean stole the bishop’s silverware and the silver basket containing the silverware, and then fled in the night.

When the police captured Valjean and took him to the bishop, rather than accuse Valjean of theft, the bishop explained to the police that the silverware was a gift. The bishop goes further, offering Valjean a pair of silver candlesticks, telling him that he must have forgotten them when he left.

Inspired by the bishop’s mercy and compassion, Valjean experiences a moral awakening. He adopts a new identity. He dedicates himself to helping others.

Transactional Interactions

When we treat others transactionally, we’re only thinking about a current and temporary exchange. We have a specific need or a preferred outcome. We evaluate each interaction in terms of whether we get what we want. When we connect transactionally, we keep score. When we connect transactionally, we give little thought to the ripple effects beyond the quid pro quo exchange.

Consider Valjean’s first theft in Les Misérables. The consequence for stealing the loaf of bread was a prison sentence. The justice system dealt with Valjean transactionally, a brutal punishment for a minor crime. As the effects of his punishment rippled out, Valjean became an aggrieved and desperate man.

When we engage transactionally, we don’t know what, if any ripple effects we’ve created. If all parties are satisfied, we’ve preserved a kind of status quo. But have we missed an opportunity? If we feel stuck in a situation involving others, could it be that we’re overly focused on getting our preferred outcome in the present? What future possibilities might we attract by being more attentive to the needs of others?

Generous Connections

By contrast, Valjean’s second theft of the bishop’s silver resulted in compassion and an opportunity to walk a different path. Of course, there was no guarantee that the bishop’s mercy would trigger transformative moral growth. Some interactions defy transactional interpretation. A generous connection is one in which a person gives freely without an expectation of getting something in return.

We connect generously when we sense an opportunity to improve someone’s life. It feels natural to connect generously with those we care most about. On the other hand, connecting generously when conducting business feels counterintuitive, maybe even subversive. How often do we hear, “what’s in it for me?” or “run a cost-benefit analysis.”

The examples from Les Misérables represent extreme ends of a spectrum. Every day we encounter and interact with people, sometimes transactionally, sometimes generously. When contracting work with others, we evaluate what we’re giving against what we’re getting. When we’re moved to make charitable contributions, we look beyond the transaction to future impacts without consideration of how those future impacts may benefit us.

Every interaction provides an opportunity to connect generously. Consider the simple act of ordering a cup of coffee. We could play our roles, stay in our lanes, and perform the expected exchange. Or we could make generous, wholehearted contact with another human being. We might smile, noticing something positive about them, or sincerely ask about their day.

Getting Unstuck with Generous Connections

Have you noticed that the traditional management playbook is outdated? Particularly when it comes to how we think about our stakeholders and networks. People expect more from their organizational life than a fair exchange of work for pay. Customers expect more than goods and services from the businesses they are loyal to.

Defining success based on transactions alone carries risk. First, you’re not prepared when needs change. Second, you haven’t built relationships you can count on when unanticipated opportunities arise.

Consider an example of how a focus on keeping score can play out. You are in a business development role, it’s the end of the quarter and your sales manager is pressuring you to meet your quota. During the next meeting with a client, your training and conditioning kicks in. The meeting turns into the playing field of a numbers game. To make the sale is to win, and each win gets you closer to meeting your quota.

When you feel stress and pressured to achieve a goal, it’s difficult to access generosity. A scarcity mindset breeds fear and anxiety which undermines the opportunity to deepen your relationship. Instead of listening for the client’s needs, you narrow your focus and listen only for what serves your needs. Instead of harmonizing with the client, the conversation feels like a tennis match in which you serve up offers and volley objections.

How to Cultivate Generous Connections

The less instinctive approach is one of generosity. You choose to hold lightly the short-term goal of the quarterly quota and attend to the long-term goal of cultivating an authentic connection based on care and compassion. Connecting with the client as a human being allows unknown possibilities to emerge from the relationship.

Here are some things to try when feeling stuck between competing priorities

  • Acknowledge and hold the tension created by wanting to achieve your goals while prioritizing what best serves the person you’re with.
  • Lead with compassionate curiosity, listen with an open mind and open heart.
  • Pay attention to the passion you experience from the other person and delve deeper into those areas.
  • Seek to understand what feels relevant and important for the other person, have fun in the messy middle of the conversation with no attachment to the desired outcome you might have come in with.
  • Explore possibilities that arise even if they feel impractical and share your thoughts and feelings with trust and vulnerability.

You can always come back to your short-term need in the end (if it even still feels relevant). It will land differently because now it can be contextualized as one small part of a generous connection.

The Practice is What Matters

Yes, it’s ironic to extol the virtues of cultivating generous connections by listing its transactional benefits. We believe that a habit of kindness and compassion will “pay off” in the long run. We also believe that a habit of kindness and compassion rewires the brain circuitry responsible for our mindsets. Becoming a generous connector turns you into a person who attracts more opportunities.

Treating people with kindness and compassion is its own reward, so there’s that. But also, treating people with kindness and compassion is contagious. What goes around, comes around.

If your taste in examples runs more towards popular culture than 19th century French literature, check out the ripple effects in this clip from the 1947 movie Miracle on 34th Street when Santa connects generously with young Peter and his mom.

Are your employees and business associates rooting for you? How about your customers? Rather than keeping score, perhaps you should consider connecting generously with them?

Notice What You Want to be True

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My sister Judi and I often argue about the purpose of higher education. She believes that college is for developing marketable skills. I believe college is for developing thinking skills. She sees college as a path toward employment. I see college as a path toward human flourishing. Judi majored in journalism and ran her own communications and public relations firm. I majored in philosophy and went into the restaurant business.

In 2022, the MIT Open Learning Website posted a story about a recently published white paper called “The Workforce Relevance of a Liberal Arts Education.” Given my beliefs about higher education, I was primed to uncritically accept its findings. Based solely on the title, I sent a ‘told-you-so’ link to Judi before I’d even read it.

When I clicked through to the white paper, I noticed that a series of roundtable discussions with senior campus leaders informed the paper’s point of view. At the end of the paper, the authors listed the roundtable participants. Of the eleven institutions represented, nine of them identified as liberal arts colleges.

Granted, a white paper takes a position and advocates for it. The report did not claim to be a research paper. Still, I could easily see myself using the report as evidence for a belief I want to be true.

Judi and I would probably characterize our views on higher education as polarized. In truth, if we ever bothered to explore each other’s perspectives, I’m confident we’d discover broad areas of agreement. But what fun would that be? We get a strange satisfaction from adopting our roles as combatants. Our relationship is not at risk over the disagreement.

A more consequential polarization grips our society. We are all primed to uncritically accept our tribe’s claims. We’ll happily buy whatever our side is selling while simultaneously parsing every sneer and soundbite coming from the other side.

Signs point to a particularly nasty US presidential campaign between now and November. We’re about to be thrown into the deep end of a pool of lies and disinformation. To prevent yourself from drowning, notice what you want to be true.

Noticing what you want to be true requires humility and honesty. Do you care more about truth than you do about power, winning, and looking good? Perhaps you believe that your preferred ends justify dishonest means. You don’t need your claims to be true as long as they’re popular. Of course, one wonders what kind of future you have in mind if honesty can be so easily cast aside on the path to achieving it.

There don’t appear to be any consequences for public figures who tell lies. It’s all upside. It’s possible to gain an advantage over your opponents by lying about them, and no harm will come to your standing as an authority. And, since political campaigns are high-stakes competitions, we can expect to hear a lot of lies between now and November. Notice what you want to be true.

Warning! Mental Quicksand Ahead

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We help people adopt an unstuck mindset. An unstuck mindset is a healthy mode of operating when things become overwhelming. It’s an orientation to complexity and uncertainty that invites breakthrough insights and novel options. We’re like mental and emotional fitness coaches conditioning people to thrive in a world that feels out of control.

But what if you’re stuck and you don’t realize it?

We find ourselves in mental quicksand when conditions have changed, but our approach remains the same. Instead of rethinking when we don’t get the outcomes we want, we use our tried-and-true strategies even more diligently. Like struggling to escape quicksand, the more effort we apply, the more stuck we become.

If any of the thoughts below feel familiar, you may already be caught in mental quicksand.

I’m right. They’re wrong.

Being right or being wrong makes sense when dealing with math problems, documented facts, or testable predictions. Thinking that there’s a right or wrong answer to a complex issue is just a trick your brain is playing on you. Brains like simplicity because simplicity conserves energy. With a bit more mental and emotional stamina, our brains can learn to tolerate nuance and creativity.

If you find yourself framing an issue as a choice between mutually exclusive alternatives, pause and ask yourself: How do we achieve the best of both?

I’m one purchase away from happiness.

You know that feeling of anticipation when you’ve splurged on a purchase that hasn’t been delivered yet? Or maybe you’ve decided to take up a new health regimen or hobby that you imagine will improve your life. If the new item or practice has become vital and transformative, congratulations!

More often, the item you coveted is now just another bland possession. The new practice has become a half-hearted routine or something you’ve abandoned. You’re back to scanning catalogues and considering the hot new life hack.

If you find yourself eager to bring something new into your life, pause and ask yourself: What need am I expecting this thing to meet?

I don’t know what came over me.

We are often surprised by our reactions. When triggered, an emotional energy can escape that makes us unrecognizable to ourselves. That out-of-proportion response is useful information. We may need the help of a therapist or coach to identify the source. Attempts to rein in our extreme reactions or write them off as the result of a temporary malady just gets us more stuck.

When you’re surprised by your own over-the-top reaction, pause and ask yourself: What does this reaction say about my unfulfilled aspirations or aspects of my life I have yet to make peace with?

Why am I getting the opposite of what I want?

A strange thing happens when we try too hard. Sometimes we put so much effort into achieving a goal, we create conditions for the opposite of our goal to take root. Let’s say Devon is eager to feel included. He adopts a strategy of helping whenever there’s a conflict or issue. He expends a lot of energy inserting himself into situations to fix problems. Devon’s efforts to be of service end up complicating matters. Over time he develops a reputation for being meddlesome and disruptive. Eventually people start avoiding, rather than including Devon.

If you feel a sense of dissatisfaction with your situation because of the extreme gap between what you want and what you’re getting, pause and ask yourself: How might I challenge the assumptions responsible for my choices?

How did we end up with the same strategy if we agree that our world has changed?

If you’re part of an organization that periodically reassesses their strategic priorities, you may have noticed that this year’s strategy could be summed up as, “Do what we’ve been doing… better.” Of course, there’s nothing wrong with staying the course if things are working and you know how to navigate “the course.” But why would you stick with a familiar strategy if the environment in which your organization operates starts to feel unfamiliar.

Whatever process you use for setting direction and prioritizing resource investments, pause and ask yourself: What opportunities or disruptions are emerging that deserve our attention?

The Case for Reinventing the Wheel

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It’s probably just my reflex when told not to do something.

Whenever I hear the advice, “don’t reinvent the wheel,” I think, “why not?” I presume the subtext is: don’t waste resources solving a problem that’s already been solved. If nothing else, solving a problem as if it weren’t already solved is educational. In fact, the simple act of re-imagining solutions can raise useful questions about the effectiveness of the status quo.

“Reinventing Wheels” Reveals Hidden Assumptions

In 1997, I was part of a cross-functional “change team” at Pizza Hut. We had been asked by Mike Rawlings, the CEO at the time, to identify ideas for reducing overhead costs by 10% (in a previous blog post, I’ve described the change team experience in more detail). We came back to Mike and his executive team with recommendations that would cut expenses by 30%, a recommendation that Yum! Brands later adopted with savings they projected would amount to $300 million by 2019.

I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I see now that the change team had adopted a “reinvent the wheel” approach to our challenge. Rather than look for inefficiencies in the existing structure, we started by asking, “what do restaurant general managers need to satisfy their customers?” If a savvy restaurant manager acting like an owner wouldn’t require the support, it raised the question: why does this function exist? The ensuing discussion revealed a set of operating assumptions that had become invisible.

The SCAN Framework

The SCAN framework (Structures, Context, Assumptions, and Needs) is designed to reveal hidden influences that may be keeping us stuck. When we introduce the SCAN framework to our clients, people struggle the most with the ‘Assumptions’ dimension. Once we define our terms, it’s easy for people to grasp the differences among underlying structures, surrounding context, and human needs. Assumptions, on the other hand, are hard to recognize because noticing what governs the way you notice feels unfathomable.

A thought experiment like reinventing the wheel provides an indirect look at assumptions that might be worth challenging. Instead of trying to name your assumptions, reinventing the wheel invites you to justify the status quo.

Maybe you have a sinking feeling that something fundamental about your business or organization needs to change. Perhaps you don’t trust the typical problem-solving approach your leadership team would take if you raised the issue.

Before calling in the consultants, reinvent your wheel by starting with the questions below.

Reinvention Questions

  • What does your organization offer that people will continue to benefit from in the future?
  • Who are the people that benefit from what your organization will continue to offer?
  • What has changed about them since the time you set up the current systems and distribution channels designed to meet their needs?
  • What has changed about the competitive landscape? How else can they get their needs met?

You don’t have to literally reinvent your business. It’s enough to expose hidden assumptions so you can make informed choices about what to keep and what to change. Sometimes, when it comes to getting unstuck, even if “it aint broke,” break it. Then, reinvent how you fix it.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Move over Homo Sapiens, There’s a More Evolved Sheriff in Town

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During a phone conversation last week, my business partner Lisa and I joked that we may be headed for the next evolutionary stage beyond homo sapiens. We noted that even the most adept humans seem ill-equipped to deal with today’s chaotic world. Oh, and it seems unlikely that things will become calmer and more predictable in the future. The conversation lingered with me.

We call our company Unstuck Minds. We believe that people who operate with an unstuck mind bring more creativity and compassion to the world. Creative thinking generates novel ideas and fresh insights. Compassion builds and sustains connections that help people feel seen, heard, and valued.

Homo sapiens literally, the wise human, succeeds as a species in part because we have large complex brains, language, and highly developed social skills. Now we’re starting to experience the downsides of what were once advanced adaptations. Those big brains are susceptible to mental health issues and cognitive bias. Our language skills allow us to spread harmful belief systems. Individuals and groups have begun to use our social intelligence to exploit and marginalize others.

Are the current challenges and complexities faced by humanity acting as evolutionary pressures that could drive natural selection towards the emergence of a new human subspecies better adapted to cope with an increasingly uncertain and complex world?

People are exhausted and overwhelmed. Are the current challenges and complexities faced by humanity acting as evolutionary pressures that could drive natural selection towards the emergence of a new human subspecies better adapted to cope with an increasingly uncertain and complex world? Might humans with unstuck minds be better suited to thrive in the future?

Welcome Homo Mens Soluta

Homo mens soluta, literally human with a freed or unstuck mind, might be where we’re headed as a species. The list below describes a thought experiment about the adaptations required to thrive in a future of increasing complexity and uncertainty.

We will Build Generous Connections with Others

In a complex world, collective intelligence and collaboration will be more advantageous than individual efforts. Homo mens soluta will move beyond the impulse to view relationships between individuals and groups as transactional. In the future, we will provide support and resources freely and without an expectation of receiving something in return.

We will Hold our Conclusions Lightly

Rather than fixating on definitive answers, homo mens soluta will thrive in ambiguous situations. We will feel comfortable with incomplete information and be adept at making decisions based on probabilities and calculated risks. We will form working hypotheses rather than certainties and easily let go of conclusions in the face of new evidence.

We will Notice our Mental Quicksand

A heightened awareness and understanding of our thought processes, biases, and decision-making heuristics will enable homo mens soluta to self-regulate and self-correct. This metacognitive ability will lead to more effective learning, problem-solving, and adaptation.

We will Form Generative Questions

Given easy access to vast amounts of information, the capacity to discern meaningful patterns, correlations, and insights from seemingly unrelated data streams will be advantageous. Homo mens soluta will ask generative questions to take advantage of the available information. The skill of asking better questions will be more adaptive to a future in which answers are abundant, but not equally useful.

We will Develop Attention Agility

The ability to rapidly adapt thought processes to accommodate changing circumstances and new information will become critical. Homo mens soluta will possess heightened neuroplasticity, allowing our neural pathways to reorganize and form new connections more efficiently.

If you want to make sure your genes get passed on to your descendants, or if you’re simply interested in building the mental stamina to deal with our chaotic world, consider developing an unstuck mind.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Are you Facing the Unfamiliar, the Unexplored, or the Unknown?

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Not all experiences of feeling lost call for the same remedy.

You may be facing an unfamiliar situation. Perhaps you’ve been assigned a complicated task you’ve never handled before. In such cases, people can instruct you. There are clear steps you can follow. Your sense of being temporarily lost stems from not knowing how to get started. Once you’re shown the roadmap, you feel reassured, and you can make progress.

Alternatively, you may be venturing into unexplored territory. Consider, for example, leading a complex organizational transformation. Here, there is no predefined roadmap. Advisors and consultants may offer relevant experience, but each change effort in every organization is unique. While there are recommended frameworks and methods, you’re likely to encounter unexpected obstacles.

Then, there’s facing the unknown. You may feel disoriented by your inability to make sense of what’s happening. You may be unable to predict the consequences of familiar actions. For example, you might be considering a new business line or expanding into a new geography. Or perhaps an unforeseen situation has disrupted your organization or your life, leaving you adrift. When facing the unknown, current conditions are unrecognizable and what once felt like a priority suddenly loses its importance.

In each case, you could describe yourself as lost. If you need a strategy to get unstuck, it’s not useful to focus on how lost you are. It’s better to focus on how you are lost.

When facing the unfamiliar, you need a roadmap and clear directions. To navigate unexplored territory, you need skills, tools, and a flexible plan. When dealing with the unknown, managing your attention becomes crucial, because you don’t know what to look for or how to interpret what you find.

When dealing with the unknown, managing your attention becomes crucial, because you don’t know what to look for or how to interpret what you find.

Facing the Unknown means getting comfortable with uncertainty

In previous posts we’ve defined the ability to manage your attention when facing complex and uncertain situations as “attention agility.” We have also described the SCAN framework (Structures, Context, Assumptions, and Needs) as a tool for developing attention agility. SCAN directs your attention towards a variety of information sources, countering habitual thinking tendencies that dictate what gets noticed and what gets overlooked. When facing the unknown, SCAN helps you ask better questions.

Before you can apply clear thinking to help you navigate your way through the unknown, you’ll want to come to terms with feeling disoriented. Humans tend to avoid uncertainty. When stuck or lost, we’re attracted to definitive answers and confident sounding advice. We settle for any port in a storm. When the unknown becomes our new normal, the storm doesn’t pass. We can end up settling for the wrong port.

To make sure you don’t respond to an unknown situation with strategies designed for the unfamiliar and unexplored, build your attention agility by taking a moment to reflect on a few questions:

  • What if I chose to pause before taking action? Is immediate action required or am I simply reacting to the discomfort I feel?
  • What’s novel about this situation? Am I jumping to conclusions about the nature of the situation? Am I looking for ways to frame the situation as an example of something I’m familiar with?
  • Who could provide a reasonable perspective that I’m currently disregarding? Are my advisors open to learning or are they set in their ways?
  • What low-risk experiment could help me learn my way forward?

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Overcoming Roadblocks with Attention Agility

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My wife and I have been binging past seasons of “The Amazing Race.” We’ve been making mental notes of the exotic race locations for imagined future vacations. We also enjoy passing judgment on the way the two-person teams bark commands at each other while driving to their next clue. From our comfortable seats in the living room, we think, “Why not just relax and take in the breathtaking scenery?” Thankfully, we’ve never had microphones and cameras pointed at us while we discuss where to park at the mall.

I’m always impressed when a leg of the race requires teams to navigate in unfamiliar territory. They must drive under pressure, decipher road signs in languages they don’t understand, and arrive on time to avoid high-stakes consequences. Sometimes, they struggle with a manual transmission car. They’re forbidden from using modern GPS technology, creating stressful, complex, and uncertain conditions.

Lately, I’ve become interested in how our attention works and what it means for our ability to deal with an increasingly complex and uncertain world. When driving under familiar and predictable conditions, like a trip to the mall, we have attentional resources to spare. We can listen to music, sip coffee, and have a mature, collaborative conversation about where to park.

However, driving under hazardous conditions through unfamiliar territory requires us to use our attention differently. We become alert to our environment. Subtle features of the landscape take on greater significance. We may need information from people we don’t typically interact with. It sounds like I’m describing what it feels like to lead in today’s business environment.

We know what it’s like to switch the way we use our attention when driving. Changing conditions have an immediate impact. We’ve learned that misapplying our attention represents a clear and present danger. When organizational leaders get in the driver’s seat, the risks of misapplying their attention are less obvious, but no less perilous. We can’t navigate our organizations and teams through uncertain conditions with our status quo driving habits.

Attention Agility

Attention agility is the capacity to shift one’s focus and perspective quickly and easily in response to the dynamic demands of complex and uncertain conditions.

Developing the skill of attention agility allows you to deliberately and strategically allocate attentional resources to various aspects of a problem or scenario. You can recognize and prioritize key insights, adapt your thinking strategies on the fly, and generate holistic, multifaceted solutions. People skilled at attention agility notice evolving circumstances and consider a broad range of perspectives and possibilities.

Attention agility is the capacity to shift one’s focus and perspective quickly and easily in response to the dynamic demands of complex and uncertain conditions.

Attention agility is akin to mindfulness. It’s simultaneously sophisticated and simple. Like mindfulness, attention agility is less about doing something new and more about heightened awareness and managing distraction. A driver applies attention agility when switching from autopilot to vigilance as the road conditions change. A leader applies attention agility when challenging assumptions, watching trends, and taking in diverse stakeholder perspectives.

SCAN

In 1938, Orson Welles and his troupe of radio actors broadcast a story about a Martian invasion of Earth. The broadcast, known as ‘The War of the Worlds,’ was written and acted to sound like an emergency interruption of regular programming. Historical accounts of the broadcast differ on how many people recognized it as a hoax and how many panicked. My father heard the broadcast and told me that he simply checked to see if other stations were reporting news of an alien invasion. When he discovered that it was only being reported by the Columbia Broadcasting System, he sat back and enjoyed the program.

You can think of attention agility as the simple act of switching radio stations. Just as we have our favorite stations (or streaming channels), we also have our preferred types of information. When facing uncertain or complex situations, we tune in to the channels that provide information we trust, information that helps us feel in control. If we only attend to one kind of information, we miss the whole story. We don’t uncover new insights. We overlook risks and opportunities. We can get stuck.

We developed a framework called SCAN (Structures, Context, Assumptions, Needs) to help people pay attention to a broad spectrum of information so they notice the important, hidden influences that may be keeping them stuck. The SCAN framework facilitates the process of switching attention, especially when things get stressful, complex, and uncertain. Check out this explainer video to learn about SCAN. If you’re unaware that other channels of information exist, you won’t turn the dial. If you want to develop your attention agility, diversify your information sources. Learn to change the channel.

The teams that win “The Amazing Race” are not necessarily the most physically fit or the most worldly. Winning teams are able to shift their focus and perspectives more quickly and easily than team that get stuck and fall behind. When you watch the teams get stuck, you can tell that they’re only thinking about their challenge one way. When they switch the way they pay attention, they get unstuck.

Amazing Race teams don’t have the luxury of viewing themselves the way my wife and I watch them. But what if they did? What if a team feeling stuck could shift their perspective, even for a moment, from participant to spectator? What would they notice? What if a leadership team feeling stuck could shift their perspective? The next time my wife and I argue about finding a parking space, I’ll imagine we’re on camera. I think it might alter, at least for the moment, my preoccupation with being right.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Want to Stick to your Resolutions? Work on the Hidden Influences Keeping you Stuck.

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Resolution, the noun form of the verb resolve, derives from the Latin resolvere, meaning “to loosen.” The original sense of “resolve” is not about bringing something new to a situation you want to change. Essentially, a resolution is the untying of a problematic knot. Resolving to do something literally means to get unstuck.

As the new year approaches, we set intentions, goals, and resolutions to make things better. Usually, we frame our resolutions as behavior changes. We promise to start doing something, or stop doing something, or finally accomplish that thing we’ve been meaning to do. The statistics on our ability to make good on our resolutions are not encouraging. Only 8% of respondents to an October 2023 Forbe’s survey stuck to their New Year’s resolutions for more than one month.

Maybe it would be better to remind ourselves of the true meaning of a resolution. Rather than focus on the behaviors we want to change, we could focus on loosening the knots that make changing our behaviors difficult. If we resolve to get unstuck, maybe our desired behavior changes won’t feel like such a struggle.

Rather than focus on the behaviors we want to change, we could focus on loosening the knots that make changing our behaviors difficult.

If you’ve waited until the start of a new year to adopt a change, it probably means that you anticipate the change will require commitment and effort. Otherwise, you would have simply adopted the change when it first struck you as a good idea. Waiting until January to improve things is a telltale sign that a knot needs some loosening.

You can’t loosen a knot you don’t notice. That’s where SCAN comes in. If you’re unfamiliar with the SCAN framework, check out this post. SCAN does for your mind what a physical therapist does for your body. SCAN not only provides insights into what’s got you tangled up, SCAN teaches you strategies for increasing the flexibility of your thinking.

From January to SCANuary

Let’s work through an example. I’ll take a traditional New Year’s resolution and apply the SCAN framework to identify insights and options I might be missing. Suppose I resolve to get fit, lose weight, and eat a healthier diet in 2024.

Structures: Which of my habits and routines are inconsistent with a healthy lifestyle?

Maybe I’m in the habit of eating lunch without taking a break from work. I end up choosing convenient food that I can eat quickly while keeping my attention on my computer screen. I don’t feel full and end up snacking throughout the afternoon to keep me alert. Most of what I eat during the day consists of carbohydrates. If I don’t loosen the knot of my workday routines, I won’t develop healthier eating habits.

Context: Which environmental factors outside my control create opportunities for a healthy lifestyle, which factors put a healthy lifestyle at risk?

I could be on the lookout for new apps or devices that make it easy and fun for me to track fitness data. I could learn about new studies linking some of my current behaviors to a lack of stamina or energy. Maybe I should get the results of a physical before establishing a new fitness routine. A fear of the unknown may be a knot I need to loosen so that I can learn about what’s new and what’s changing.

Assumptions: How might my beliefs, mindsets, and worldviews be responsible for the way I’m framing my resolution?

What am I comparing myself to when I imagine that my current situation needs to change? Maybe I’ve formed an image of fitness that is unrealistic or inconsistent with what I value most. If I don’t loosen the knot of my biases, I may be striving to achieve the wrong goal.

Needs: How might the concerns and perspectives of people who matter relate to my fitness goals?

Of course, getting clear on my own fears and motivations may loosen an important knot. Who else should I include in my thinking about living a healthier lifestyle? Maybe I share meals with people who won’t enjoy dining with me if I change my diet. Maybe I’m trying to impress someone without really understanding how they view me now. Maybe I need to seek out a health coach to help me get started?

I get it. Asking yourself hard questions feels more daunting than simply setting goals and taking action. So, how about this? If it’s nearing the end of January, and you find yourself among the anticipated 92% of people who are about to call it quits on your New Year’s resolution, consider SCANning for a few knots to loosen.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Outrage is Making us Dumber

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A steady diet of outrage and despair doesn’t just darken our mood; it diminishes our capacity to think.

I’ve been absorbing reports of the barbarism we’re witnessing in the Middle East. If you believe that people can only be oppressors or victims, you’re not just mistaken; you’ve been hoodwinked. Believing that conflicts are defined solely by the positions people take means you’re unwittingly participating in the wrong game.

Like a toddler’s tantrum, entertaining and sharing angry thoughts can temporarily dampen our fury. However, that doesn’t make these thoughts legitimate. Our brains prefer, and perhaps even need, ways to simplify reality. For our primitive ancestors, the brain’s job was akin to taking a daily multiple-choice exam about the world:

Which of the following is true about what I’m noticing?

A) It’s food; I should eat it.

B) It thinks I’m food; I should run.

C) It smells nice; I should have sex with it.

D) None of the above; I’ll take a nap.

Today, our world requires us to get comfortable with thinking about things that are not simple. Our situations are more akin to answering essay questions. Faced with a complex, ambiguous prompt, we’re required to create a well-reasoned response.

If your mind is getting flabby, here are a few simple exercises to build stamina for complexity and uncertainty:

  • Learn about Zen kōans and meditate on one.
  • Enter conversations about problems with the intention to discover rather than influence.
  • Change a simple habit to become more mindful of all the things we do without thinking (e.g., switch the order in which you put on your shoes).
  • Explain your opinion to an 8-year-old. Putting something you believe into simple language requires clarity of thought and openness to unbiased questions.
  • Check out a couple of Unstuck Minds’ Blog Posts about building a fitness regimen for your mind: The Unstuck Mind and How are you Thinking Today.

When it comes to the calamities buffeting our attention, I’m not worried about which side is right. I’m worried about our impoverished ability to think things through. If we insist on oversimplifying the world, we’ll eventually view everyone as either a winner or a loser, an ‘us’ or a ‘them.’

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.

Just Smile and Nod

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(AI generated the image above with the prompt: A photographic image of a work team of people sarcastically giving a thumbs up. I love the creepy smiles and extra arms!)

When leaders want something from their teams, they often call a meeting. The hope is that through a successful meeting, the team will reach an agreement that creates commitment, which, in turn, leads to action and ultimately makes an impact. That’s the dream.

However, during these meetings, leaders have a limited toolkit to gain alignment. They might use their authority, hint at a quid pro quo, or mediate conflicting opinions to reach a compromise. In the end, leaders are often left interpreting comments and body language to determine whether the appearance of agreement in the meeting will translate into actual implementation of the agreement afterward. That’s the reality.

Head nods or raised thumb emojis are meant to signal agreement, but they could, in fact, mean any number of things:

  • “This is a good plan. I’m ready to make it happen.”
  • “I can live with this proposal, but don’t expect me to make it a priority.”
  • “This will never work, but I’m not going to damage my career by appearing uncooperative.”
  • “Let’s all look like we agree so we can end the meeting.”

What can a team leader do to increase the odds that agreement, or the appearance of agreement, turns into actionable commitment? Enter CADA.

CADA

CADA is a four-step alignment-building process designed to facilitate productive group discussions about a proposed course of action. By the end of a CADA discussion, a leader will know where the team stands and can feel confident that agreements will lead to action.

The four-step CADA process:

1) Be Curious

During the first part of the discussion, the team agrees to set aside their initial reactions and judgments about the proposal. Instead, they ask questions about the basis for the proposal and the implications of acting on it. For example:

  • What current situation are we addressing with the proposal? Or what desired future are we hoping to achieve by acting on the proposal?
  • What information sources were used to shape the proposal?
  • Who will be impacted by adopting the proposal? How might they react?
  • How will we know it’s working?

2) Be Analytical

In the second part of the discussion, the team makes distinctions between facts and opinions about the proposal. They ask questions about the risks and benefits of the proposal, and they apply criteria for assessing it. For example:

  • What are the pros and cons of the proposal?
  • What options were rejected? Why were they rejected?
  • What criteria should we be using to assess the proposal? Based on the criteria, how does the proposal measure up versus alternatives?
  • Given the risks, are we better off doing nothing? If we move forward, what other priorities will be impacted?

3) Be Decisive

The team reaches a conclusion. During Step 3, the team also clarifies whether they are authorized to act on the agreement or are simply making a recommendation for approval. They ask questions about their level of commitment. For example:

  • Based on our analysis, what modifications are required to get full team alignment?
  • Who else will need to weigh in before we can act on this decision? What do they need before they can approve the decision?
  • How will we talk about the decision to stakeholders?
  • What do each of us need to feel better about any aspect of the proposal that concerns us?

4) Be Accountable

The team comes to trust that each member will make good on their commitments. They ask questions about dealing with next steps and obstacles. For example:

  • What will each of us do next to move things along?
  • What barriers to successful implementation do we anticipate, and how will we deal with them?
  • How will we share information with each other about what’s working and what we’ve learned?
  • How will progress be monitored?

The key to using CADA is ensuring that everyone is in the same conversation at the same time. In other words, don’t allow people to get analytical or decisive when the focus is on being curious.

Jay G. Cone is the author of The Surprising Power of Not Knowing What to Do; Discovering Creativity and Compassion in a Time of Chaos. He is the co-founder of Unstuck Minds.